50 Best ‘Christmas Vacation’ Quotes

The countdown to Christmas is on and if you’re about to lose it at the thought of hearing yet another Christmas song, know that you’re not alone.

While Christmas card wishes suggest it’s the most wonderful time of the year, for a lot of us, our holiday season is nothing like the movies — unless we’ve got a cocktail (or two) in hand.

Speaking of holiday movies, there’s only one that really captures the joy and chaos of celebrating with family: “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.”

Admit it, you know every line from “Christmas Vacation.” That’s because Clark Griswold (played by Chevy Chase) and the rest of the family remind us a whole lot of our own.

Who can’t relate to Clark struggling to get the Christmas lights to work, then kicking down all the reindeer when they don’t? (A bit of Christmas trivia: Chase broke his finger while filming that iconic scene.)

Or how about when Cousin Eddie shows up unannounced with the entire family and dog “Snots” in tow, then drains his RV’s septic tank into Clark’s sewer? No spoilers here, but the end result is, well, a total gas.

Just in time for the holidays, we collected the very best “Christmas Vacation” quotes that’ll have you ho-ho-ho-ing right into the New Year’s.

  • “I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.” — Clark Griswold
  • “Where do you think you’re going?” Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. But, but. We’re all in this together.” — Clark Griswold
  • “Clark, stop it! I don’t want to spend the holidays dead!” — Ellen Griswold
  • “Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now.” — Clark Griswold
  • “Eat my road grit, Liver Lips!” — Clark Griswold
  • “Look at the time! I gotta go to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car.” — Rusty Griswold
  • “Clark, we’re stuck under a truck!” — Ellen Griswold
  • “There it is … the Griswold family Christmas tree.” — Clark Griswold
  • “Honey, do you honestly think I would check thousands of tiny little lights if I wasn’t sure the extension cord was plugged in?” — Clark Griswold
  • “This isn’t charity; it’s family.” — Clark Griswold
  • “It’s a beaut, Clark, it’s a beaut!” — Clark Griswold Sr.
  • “You want to hurry this up, Clark? I’m freezing my baguettes off.” — Art
  • “It’s not big, it’s just … full.” — Clark Griswold
  • “Oh boy, this is a surprise, Clark. It’s just a real nice surprise. Just a real nice surprise.” — Cousin Eddie
  • “Eat my rubber!” — Clark Griswold
  • “You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.” — Uncle Lewis
  • “Can I refill your eggnog for you?” Do you have something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead? – Clark Griswold
  • “Better take a raincheck on that, Art. He’s got a lip fungus they ain’t identified yet.” — Cousin Eddie
  • “And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?” — Margot
  • “We’re gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas.” — Clark Griswold
  • “If that thing had nine lives, she just spent ’em all.” — Cousin Eddie
  • “This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here.” — Clark Griswold
  • “We’re kicking off our fun, old-fashioned family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.” — Clark Griswold
  • “It’s people that make the difference. Little people like you.” — Frank Shirley
  • “I got hemorrhoids, can you believe it?” — Francis
  • “Save the neck for me, Clark!” — Cousin Eddie
  • “Well, I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.” — Ellen Griswold
  • “I love it here. You don’t gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom, and your house is always parked in the same place!” — Ruby Sue
  • “It was an ugly tree anyway.” — Art
  • Grandma Nora has a painful burr on my heel and if you rub it for me, I’ll give you a whole quarter!” — Nora
  • “This here’s our pride and joy: Snots. We named him that because he’s got this sinus condition. Snots, you roll over and let Uncle Clark scratch your belly.” — Cousin Eddie Johnson
  • “The little lights are not twinkling.” — Art
  • “I just can’t believe you’re actually standing here in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come.” — Clark Griswold
  • “The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin.” — Clark Griswold
  • “It wouldn’t be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter — hotter than they are.” — Clark Griswold
  • “Last season he was a pixie-dust spreader on a Tilt-A-Whirl and he thinks that maybe next year he’ll be guessing people’s weight or barking for Yak Woman.” — Cousin Eddie Johnson
  • “How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We’re at the threshold of hell.” — Clark Griswold
  • “Oh dear, did I break wind?” — Aunt Bethany
  • “It’s a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out. What did I say? Nipple? Ah, there is a nip in the air. though” — Clark Griswold
  • “Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, and forgive my husband, he knows not what he does.” — Ellen Griswold
  • “Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat Jello?” — Clark Griswold
  • “Catherine, if this turkey tastes half as good as it looks, I think we’re all in for a very big treat!” — Clark Griswold
  • “That’s a honey of a tree, Clark … is it real?” — Cousin Eddie Johnson
  • “Santy Claus! Uncle Clark … are you Santa Claus?” — Ruby Sue
  • “It’s a one-year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.” — Clark Griswold
  • “Welcome to our home — what’s left of it.” — Ellen Griswold
  • “I’m sorry. This is our family’s first kidnapping.” — Ellen Griswold
  • “If this isn’t the biggest bag-over-the-head, punch-in-the-face I ever got!” — Clark Griswold
  • “My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain.” — Clark Griswold
  • “Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.” — Clark Griswold

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