Joe Biden recently remarked that “we’re not in a recession,” which is, incidentally, what he says to himself in the mirror every morning, in addition to “Everyone likes me,” “I’m a totally great President,” and “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.”
But, just like with Marvel movies, there’s always another recession right around the corner, whether you like it or not. That’s the deal we made with the devil. Every four years, we get a new Dr. Strange film and a recession.
So here are some tips on how to save money:
Be a bad friend. Good friends get invited to weddings, dinners, and vacations. Expensive. You can’t afford that.
Now think of the worst person you know. I’m thinking of my acquaintance Dave. Dave saves thousands of dollars every year simply because of his drab personality and inability to ask questions or talk about anything other than himself.
He talks way too close and for way too long. Be like Dave. Become exhausting to be around. Make the other person carry the conversation. No one will want to be around you and you’ll never have to splurge on airline tickets again. You’re welcome.
Stop spending money on alcohol. Alcohol is a luxury for the rich. Sure, monkeypox and global terror and the climate apocalypse make you want to chug a shelf of whiskey. But that doesn’t mean you have to spend fourteen dollars on a cocktail. There are ways around that.
Some people like to go on Yelp and look up a restaurant’s BYOB policy. I have my own approach—every place is BYOB if you’re not a fucking coward. Your grandparents fought the Nazis and you’re scared to bring an eighth of vodka in a water bottle into a fitting room at Macy’s? Grow up. Grow up and BYOB
Don’t have kids. Kids are expensive and your bloodline is not that impressive. Unless you have a Nobel laureate in your family tree, there’s no reason you need to be reproducing.
People always say that it’s selfish not to have kids. Well, we’re grappling with overpopulation and resources that are quickly becoming scarce so, actually, it’s selfish to have kids. Why do you need to have your own kids? Just so you can pass your butt-chin on to another generation? Selfish.
If you simply must have children, adopt one who seems withdrawn and slightly creepy. That person could grow up to be Mark Zuckerberg and make you millions. All you have to do is wait. That’s called passive income.
Gas prices went up, and so should your standards for who it’s worth paying to see. It’s time to start charging people who waste your time. If a friend tries to tell you that same anecdote as last week? Send a Venmo request for five dollars.
They could’ve told you that over text. There’s no reason you had to drive and meet them in person to hear about how they almost were cast in “SVU” but then weren’t. Everyone in New York has almost been in “SVU” Call me when you actually commit a crime.
Cut out friends and save money. If a friend lives more than ten minutes away? Friendship over. If your friend has bad street parking? Friendship over.
While you’re at it, here are some other people you should stop being friends with:
- Anyone who identifies as a “plant mom.”
- Anyone who asks for the address to a place when they could just Google it themselves
- Anyone who brings their significant other along when you had plans for just the two of you. I wanted to dish about bad sex and bad co-workers, but now I’ve gotta truncate my rant for your partner? Censorship.
- Anyone who doesn’t leash their dog in public. I hope your dog runs away and starts a new, better life without you.
- Anyone who asks me questions during a movie that I’m also seeing for the first time. Do you think that I directed this movie? I don’t know what’s going on, either. I’m on this journey with you.
Become polyamorous. As long as you’re seeing multiple people, you’ll have access to multiple streaming services and you’ll never have to shell out for content. Why choose between “The Bear” and “Euphoria” when you can just lead multiple people on? Find a gal with Hulu, a guy with Netflix, and a side piece with HBO and you’ll never be unhappy again — bell hooks actually said that.
Think outside the box for quick cash. Go to a grandpa convention and get every single old guy to pull a quarter out of your ear. Laundry for the year. Go to the richest quadrant of a major city and do your best to get run over by a Tesla. Get rich off insurance money or die trying, babe. That’s the motto.
Legally change your name to Doctor. You can change your name to whatever you want! (For instance, Junkyard Dog, Jr., or Water Bottle.)
Now you don’t have to spend money on college and owe thousands of dollars in student-loan debt, you can just be “Dr. Junkyard ”and say whatever you want and people will listen to you and believe you. It’s like being a man all the time.
Cut out fine dining. Sorry, but this is an activity only rich people can partake in now. If you really want to save money, don’t eat out at restaurants. Instead, develop an appetite for squirrels. Squirrels are everywhere, so no one’s gonna notice if one goes missing.
Our ancestors survived on insects and leaves and you think you’re too good for squirrels? Sure, they’re cute, but you know what’s not cute? The price of salmon. Seventeen dollars for an ounce? Yeah, I’ll bet fried squirrel doesn’t sound so bad now, does it? Fried squirrel with a side of nuts if you’re feeling particularly famished. ♦